Kyrandallo

Dear Kyle,

I’m sorry to hear about losing your stuff. I know things will be rough on you without your 360 and that guitar you never played. I regret to inform you, however, that I’ll have to decline your request for retribution. Besides, casting these individuals in the fires of hell is not quite “eye for an eye”. Perhaps I’ll consider striking them down with some kind of affliction.

In that vein, do you think you might want to consider taking up new hobbies? I gave this world alcohol for celebration and praise, but certainly not for swimming in. I admire your tolerance, but perhaps a bottle a night is a bit much. I think you also might want to reconsider this new “gun-toting” thing. I’m just saying…that’s all. You’ve stopped the different variations of smoke inhalation; so I guess that something. Oh, by the way, ABSOLUTELY NOT! You know what I am talking about. I will personally turn you in to a street sign if you proceed any further.

How did you like that earthquake the other day? I get bored sometimes, and I just have to shake things up (and Yes, pun intended). You should probably get earthquake insurance because I’ve got a few special ones lined up…oh wait, you have nothing to insure (sorry). Anyhow, keep your chin up and all that stuff. At least you’ve got a job….for now.

Palabra,
G to the O-D

On Saturday, March 28, 2009 (approximately 10:20 PM) I was burglarized by at least 2 individuals. They were able to get on the roof of my apartment complex, climb down the fire escape, and enter my bedroom window. I should note that my ridiculously overpriced complex (Clay St. in San Francisco) has windows that do not lock. My guests merely slid the window open, and walked right in. They proceeded to take whatever they wanted.

So to you gentlemen or women, I would like to say:

I really hope you make a decent profit on the $15K worth of stuff that you stole. If you need instructions on how to setup my microphones, please don’t hesitate to ask. That beautiful Martin guitar you took is probably lost without its stand (you left it in the corner…must have been in a hurry). Give me your address and I’ll ship it to you – you’ll obviously have to pay the shipping costs. You will need a few passwords for that XPS M1210 you took, so email me when you are ready for those. I’m going to deactivate the Xbox live account, so you might want to get some gaming in before that happens. I hated the Nintendo Wii, so don’t worry too much about that. Oh, that Asus Eee PC is running Ubuntu. There are plenty of online helps forums for Linux OS. How do my jeans fit? Do you like one of the 3 watches you took? I really liked the one with the scratch on the bottom (you’ll know which one I’m talking about). I hope you are not stupid enough to sell these things online, I have serial numbers for most of them. One last thing, please don’t open the “videos” folder in “my documents”.

Well, I guess that’s it for now. Thank you for not breaking the window or randomly destroying any of the stuff you couldn’t take. You’ve forced me to purchase a security system from ADT and my friends at Glock, so I’d advise against coming back. Should you accidentally die in some horrible death, may you eternally rot in the fires of hell whilst listening to Michael Bolton.

Yours,
Kyle