Five thoughts on 37-34:

1. The Dallas Cowboys secondary is so terrible that I’d rather not make the playoffs in order to avoid another nationally televised molestation.
2. Making the playoffs is pointless since nobody is going to stop Aaron Rodgers and his discount double check.
3. Thomas Richard Coughlin is an old, whiny bitch.
4. Tim Tebow might actually be the missing piece for this defense.  Clearly Jesus is not on our side.
5. Fuck Brandon Jacobs and his inability to play well against any other team except the Cowboys.

I’m off to find a puppy to kick.

“‘In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”

RIP 2010 Dallas Cowboys

Thanks to Toph Miller for having the inspiration to create this moment.

First of all, the 2009 Dallas Cowboys are simply better than the Philadelphia Eagles.  Philly fans love to make excuses when their teams loses.  Please do us all a favor this time around and admit that your team is just not as good as the ’09 Cowboys.  I know you guys only live for beating Dallas, but you’ll have to wait another year.

DeSean “lil buddy” Jackson, Jesus loves you.  Keep your head up and your mouth shut.  I know you’ll burn the Cowboys before your career is over…just not this year! Speech classes this Summer?

I was in junior high the last time the Cowboys won a playoff game.  That means that my prime development years were stunted by overwhelming despair and hatred due to utter failure.  Am I am happy about this win?  Oh my sweet baby Jesus yes!  Am I satisfied with ONLY this win?  Absolutely not!

This season would have ended last week if not for the defense.  Wade Phillips may be a defensive genius.  I challenge anyone to find a defensive unit that is playing better.  Let me also add this: Nnamdi Asomugha, Darrelle Revis, Mike “Jaynkins”.  Oh yeah…DeMarcus “Sex” Ware is not human.

Tony Romo finally looks like a quarterback that knows he will win versus thinking that he might have a chance.  I’m not sure if you, Candice Crawford, deserve any credit; but thank you nevertheless.  Your man is on fire at the perfect time. (Don’t hurt him).

I love you Felix Jones, Miles Austin, and Mat McBriar!

Because I currently live in San Francisco, I often find myself on BART, MUNI, or some other form of public transportation.  I have already come to terms with the fact that sharing public transportation will never be pleasant.  I just don’t get the people who get on a bus, plane, or train and determine that we need to hear what they have to say.  And not only do we need to hear it, but we need it to be loud and clear. 

On a daily basis, I can pretty much rely on that guy who is shattering the acceptable decibel level to report how shit-canned he got the night before.  I also can rest assured that little miss “I can’t believe she said that he said that I said what we all thought we should have said” will honor my fellow passengers with a string of high-pitched cacophony.  I truly believe that many of these people are unaware of how annoying they really are.  My dad has been a loud person in general for as long as I can remember (which is probably why I am so sensitive to it).  I’d be willing to bet that he has no clue.  I just think people need to have some personal rules when using their phone in public.  Here are a few suggestions:

• Don’t use your phone on any form of public transportation unless it is necessary.
• If you must use your phone among your fellow passengers, don’t try to project the conversation through a brick wall.  Volume!!
• That above-mentioned rule also applies in public places where it’s relatively quiet (i.e. movie, store).
• For the love of baby Jesus, don’t use the speaker phone!! That also goes for using the speaker as a boom box (We really don’t want to hear your iTunes through a 1 inch, distorted speaker).
• If people are staring at you while you are on your phone, it’s probably because they want to kill you. Shut up.
• Be aware that you are not the only person on this planet!
• Oh God! If you do nothing else, please put your loud, annoying, horrible ringtone on vibrate.  If you have to keep it on, don’t let it ring for 45 seconds.

If you really can’t adhere to any of these suggestions, please get rid of your cell phone because I hate you.